April Memorial

Here’s what I want to memorialize today: My head is heavy and cloudy, but I don’t have a headache. My neck is stiff, but not sore. My muscles are weak, but they don’t hurt. My throat – this throat that has felt as if I have strep every day for a year, maybe two – is not sore and has not bothered me in a while. My mood is miraculously light. I may grimace, I may be grumpy and curse this wretched illness, but I haven’t felt sad or despairing in a long time. My period this month came as a quiet, rolly-polly visitor. It shifted and moved around some, as if trying to get comfortable, but didn’t bother me too much.

I worked on the computer today for a few hours, gathering info on doctors, clinics and tests, readying myself for the eventual disability application. I then stood in the kitchen for a while, washing and chopping vegetables and preparing some food. I was dizzy and slurry and weak, but, after lying down to meditate for a while, I was able to go the cemetery on my mobility scooter with the dogs and hubby.

Don’t get me wrong, my vision is still blurry, tinnitus is deafening, hair is falling out, voice is weak, energy is preternaturally low, and nighttimes are torturous battles with my ever-present sleep spectre… But. I’m getting stronger.

I waited a week to post this to see if I jinxed myself and the chronic illness gods would strike me down… I have taken a downturn in the last few days, but I still feel like a different person than I was over Christmas, so I’m posting it. Publicly proclaiming to all and sundry: there might, after all, be life after lifelessness. Universe, please don’t let this slip away.

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23 thoughts on “April Memorial

  1. Solyssa says:

    Yes! I love hearing this. I hope each day brings more energy and strength!

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  2. triciaruth says:

    Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
    *does a happy dance*

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  3. kneillbc says:

    I’m so pleased that you are feeling a bit more human! Is it spring that has brought this on? Or is it that right now you do feel a bit better? I am feeling a bit better too- I am not having reactions 4-5x / day, but once or twice; some days are even reaction-free. It feels wonderful to know that it is not only downhill- that there are some better days too! Build on that success- I hope it continues!

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    • E. Milo says:

      I’m so happy your reactions have died down! Very scary being constantly allergic. I felt better last Spring, too, so maybe this time of year agrees with me. Or maybe it’s my diet or the months in bed, who knows. I know not to get my hopes up, but just to be thankful in the day. :-)

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  4. Only one word… Whoooooooooooooooohooooooooooooo. xx

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  5. Christine says:

    This makes me want to cry with happiness for you. May it last and continue to improve!

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    • E. Milo says:

      Thank you so much! It really liberating when the sadness lifts. I hope it never chronically returns (because of course it comes in and out daily). Hope you are feeling a bit stronger. X

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  6. mom says:

    YES! YES! YES! You and your blog family teach us all to rejoice when life sends us gifts. Thank you.

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  7. Jackie says:

    Like you, I believe in the almighty, all-knowing chronic illness Gods. I don’t want to jinx you, so I am saying nothing too excitatory because you probably know all of the things I am thinking that I’d like to say after reading a blog post like this from a friend. So… yeah, I think we have an understanding. 😉

    I will say — I’m happy you could research clinics and testing so you know your stuff going in. When I’m able to do that, and especially when I can get it written down or printed, I feel empowered rather than a poor-sick-helpless-thing. I’ve never cursed myself for printing out an article or writing down info and having it on hand at an appointment, but I’ve cursed myself SO MANY times for thinking I’d remember the information or that the doctor would feel comfortable taking me word instead of having the actual article in front of him/her.

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    • E. Milo says:

      Ha! I appreciate your discretion- the gods have good ears. You’ve actually helped me feel better about my constant research in a funny way- knowing that someone else is as obsessive about it as I am and as brazen (but respectful) with doctors – maybe more so – gives me confidence. This is what we need to do, plain and simple. :-)

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      • Jackie says:

        Yep! Until you have a binder you change based on appointment with numbered tabs and a corresponding table of contents (that you also change based on appointment)… you can always take comfort in there being a sick girl out there crazier (more intense is nicer I suppose) than you. At my last appointment, another patient saw me flicking through the binder and said, “Oh! Are you a medical student?”

        Liked by 1 person

  8. bertieandme says:

    Whooop whooooop :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Best blog post I’ve read this year – so happy for you! “Every journey begins with a single step……” xx

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  9. Jocelyn says:

    So glad to hear of your improvement, Elizabeth! Wonderful! (I shared this post.)

    Like

    • E. Milo says:

      Thank you for sharing! And thank you for reading. I think about you all the time. Yours being one of the first blogs I ever read, it was so educational. I think about some of your posts repeatedly, like A Thousand Things- I will always remember the name and the image of you slicing your pear. And, now that my leg muscles have significantly wasted, I keep returning to your pictures in my mind. Such a similar journey, starting with the flu shot… it spooks me. Thank you for your long distance support. X

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  10. Strengths! Enjoy Life and try everyday to be a better person (you already are but lets push to the limits!)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I very highly recommend getting either a lawyer or using Allsup.com to file for disability. It is too much for anyone to do on their own.

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