First of all, I feel better this afternoon. I’m even entertaining the notion of taking a walk. Friends and family, please don’t worry about me based on what you read on my blog. I am truly treating this like an online diary. It is incredibly theraputic and, even when I have no energy, I find myself wanting to put my thoughts down “on paper”. It’s the first time I’ve felt driven to write since college, so I’m enjoying enjoying it. If I’m not honest on this blog, I won’t be able to look back and see honestly how this journey progressed. PLUS, the honesty might help others out there not feel so alone. So, just know: I’m a fighter, I have hope and I will persevere regardless of what I write on here. If that changes, I promise you’ll hear from me personally. Just once in a while, when it gets really bad, I will need to be reminded of my courage and resilience ~ of the person I was and still can be. And of human resilience ~ how we can come through virtually anything.
I talked to my husband, my bffs, and my Dad. Sometimes, just being able to voice the fear and anger is all you need. As long as the person listening actually listens (which those closest to me do, thank god). That’s part of my fear and anger in all this, too, is the incredulity one has to face. “You look okay, so you just don’t feel okay?” “Sitting at home all day not working sounds awesome.” “You can’t even come for a few hours?” “Your sleep is that bad and you’ve never tried a sleeping pill?” “Just lift weights!” “What do you mean you feel ‘sick’?” It’s the reason I’m putting it all online. Those that understand might get help and support from it, those that don’t understand needn’t read it. Also, while looking for some bolstering or something, I put some of my last post on a CFS forum of which I’m a member. One person replied and said the anger never goes away, but you have to crowd it out with positive thoughts so it doesn’t poison your soul. Another said she was diagnosed when she was 32 and, if she had given up, she wouldn’t have seen her children graduate and get married and she wouldn’t know her grandchildren now. That helps. I don’t have children, but it’s helpful to know that, no, the anger doesn’t go away, but there are many more positive experiences in my future that will crowd it out (her words, perfect visual).
So, I’ll do what my therapist taught me and tell anger to take a seat.
I hear you, Mr. Anger, but you have to turn down the volume a little. I’ve got this under control. Be quiet and wait your turn, Ms. Hopelessness, I’m letting Mr. Anger talk right now.
I literally envision leading a management meeting because that is what I am used to doing. All these big personalities who think they could be running the company better, clambering to be heard, totally selfish and scared they won’t get their chance to speak their mind… And I just have to let them know, like I’ve said before:
I got this. I’ll listen to you, I’ll take you into consideration, but I’m the one running the show, so pipe down and have some faith.
It’s actually hilarious to think that that is what all my money paid for ~ the ability to talk to my different personalities and make them behave. I said to my therapist, “Great, so I’m Sybil?” and she said, “We’re all Sybil.” Ha!
Having said all that, I never took my low-dose naltrexone yesterday. I’m going to give it a break. Maybe for a week, maybe for a year, maybe for forever. Right now I need to ascertain if it is contributing to my sleep problems and possibly my mood. Maybe I’ll start the Chinese herbs, maybe I’ll do a course of antibiotics. I should probably change the name of this blog, though, if I’m discontinuing the LDN…