Fight For Your Life

I’m having trouble breathing, still dizzy, painful back and shoulders, stiff limbs, sore throat, constipation and IBS pain, shooting pains in the bones of my right arm that woke me up in the middle of the night (this is a new one), aching hands, no sleep, night sweats (not full-body, just from the waist up), BUT, yesterday turned out to be the best day I’ve had since the 13th. Not as good as the 13th, by any means, but better than the last 16 days of hellish crashing and constant sadness. I was able to stay up and watch a movie when I hadn’t even taken a nap. I dared to use my neck stretcher and my TENS unit, which I can’t do when I’m in extreme pain. And, when I went to bed without a headache, I felt the depression lift. Don’t get me wrong, I’m depressed about this situation, but I don’t think antidepressants are the answer for me. I am instantly a happier, more hopeful person when the physical symptoms ease up. My only fear right now is that my lungs feel like they do before I get a chest infection. Like all that stuff is clogging the alveoli, but it isn’t rattling or cough-upable yet.

I walked around the house 3 times the past 2 days. Not around the block, just around the house. It’s about 100 steps. My new plan is 3 times around the house for 3 days, 4 times around the house for 4 days etc. By November 18th, I will have completed 10 days of 1,000ish steps. I’m going to try coupling that with gentle stretches each day.

I’m trying to have this new attitude that I am going to fight for my life. That’s it. I’m in a battle for me and I’m going to win. Maybe I’ll never be the old me ~ maybe I’ll always be more fearful and less carefree than I ever was in the past ~ but I’ll be a wiser me, a more appreciative me, a simpler me. And one day I will stop lamenting what I lost and start to find joy in what I have. In the future, I hope that’s not such hard work.

Tomorrow I see my PCP (GP) after a 3-month hiatus. Tomorrow my Mother comes to visit for 2 whole weeks. I am grateful for my Mother. I am grateful in every cell of my body that I was blessed with a Mother who is also a best friend, confidante and mentor. I have never lived a day without the knowledge that I was wanted, cherished, supported and loved. Now, that is something to truly be grateful for.

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