From Today’s Daily Mail (UK) online

The comments after the article are very good, too…

http://poultonblog.dailymail.co.uk/2012/09/me-no-more-in-the-mind-than-multiple-sclerosis.html

ME is no more ‘in the mind’ than Multiple Sclerosis. When is the world going to get that?
Ever since I first wrote on the subject of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis – or to afford it a more user-friendly title, ME – earlier this year for MailOnline, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2141230/All-mind-Why-critics-wrong-deny-existence-chronic-fatigue.html I have been overwhelmed by the response from patients and their loved ones.

The over-riding message I have received has been one of gratitude. I can tell you that this is something of an unusual experience for a journalist writing for national newspapers.

These people have Facebook-ed and Tweeted me. I have received calls and e-mails. There have been forums addressing the article and pictures and cards received which outlined a sense of relief for millions of people.

Many of these voices – including some of the greatest scientific, legal and academic minds in the ME world – have echoed a collective sigh to see their illness validated in the media.

The very notion that the media, and the press in particular, can actually serve a positive purpose in society may come as a surprise. But sometimes it does. And my piece, according to the phenomenal response that greeted it, was just one of those times.

Here’s why. For decades, people who have suffered the debilitating – and sometimes fatal – condition of ME have been forced into a type of denial.

They have been told that their illness doesn’t really exist on the scale that they claim to experience it (due, in part, to it being labelled a ‘chronic fatigue syndrome’. A highly controversial description because it creates an image of something substantially less than what ME actually is).

They have been told, repeatedly, to ‘pull themselves together’ and to ‘G.E.T. A G.R.I.P.’ (a vile acronym actually used to describe the graded exercise prescribed, wrongly, to ME patients).

In short, it is not enough for people to have to endure serious multi-system issues that can leave them bed-bound for months at a time, but they are also made to feel bad for, well, feeling bad.

What an injustice.

From the insight I have gained into the ME world, I cannot overstate the consequences of such a twilight-type existence. One in which your body responds a specific way but you are told that it isn’t actually possible. That it’s not really happening. That you are imagining it.

And that myth, of it ‘being in the mind’ has been perpetuated worldwide.

Millions of sufferers have been left in the dark to deal with their illness. Sometimes, if they are fortunate, they will be supported by their loved ones – who are also in need of support, too – but often they are left to deal with it alone.

For those reasons, certainly, many ME patients may suffer depression but it is not the other way around – and it is deplorable to suggest it is.

It may surprise you to learn that I have detractors or, as modern parlance would have it, haters. These people troll me on the internet as if their lives depended on it.

Around about now they will be making comments like ‘get the violins out – here comes a sob story’. Well, ME is a sob story. And the way patients have been portrayed is grossly wrong and that injustice must be recognised as such.

In my experience, they are anything but cranks or victims but people who have simply waited too long to have the truth of their experience recognised.

And that, partly, arrived yesterday with the launch of the Lipkin Study, a significant multi-centre study into ME.

Chances are you may think otherwise for, as is common with any major ME announcements, there were a number of misleading reports prior to the press conference.

Subsequently, representatives from the ME society have announced their intention to pursue media outlets and seek rectification of some articles that have emerged.

In short, much of the media misunderstood the Lipkin study findings. Partly because some reports jumped-the-gun and took information from rumours and speculation rather than wait for the official announcement. But, it also occurred because the mis-information fed into already-established prejudices.

Many people, and for whatever reason, want to believe that ME is nothing more than feeling a little world-weary and tired.

It is nothing of the sort. It is a neurological condition that savages the body. People die from ME and millions across the world are being mistreated and misdiagnosed as a consequence of poor and hostile reporting.

Yesterday’s announcement – that ME was not a result of the XMRV virus – seemed to herald, to some, the idea that ME is not the result of any virus but is, infact, a psychological condition.

Wrong. Wrong. Oh, and for good measure, wrong again.

Many highly-respected and learned people have compared the overall devastation of ME to illnesses including Multiple Sclerosis and even AIDS – and with good reason.

Dr. Charles Shepherd of the ME Association responded to the misleading idea that ME cannot be contracted by any virus by saying:

“There is, in fact, a great deal of robust anecdotal and research evidence to demonstrate that a number of specific infections – examples include enteroviruses, dengue fever, glandular fever, hepatitis, parvovirus, Q fever, Ross River virus – trigger ME/CFS.”

Many ME sufferers like Dr. Shepherd have little doubt that their illness was triggered by one of these viruses. The problem has been getting it recognised and appropriately treated.

This is poor response, certainly, and even more so when you factor in that the World Health Organisation acknowledged it as a neurological condition over 30 years ago, then it becomes more than a little alarming.

But there have been powerful forces at play that have served to maintain the status quo on ME thinking, and they have proven more than a challenge to be reckoned with.

For the past 60 years, the illness has been hijacked by the psychiatric community as one of ‘theirs’. They have clutched ME to their collective bosom and have refused to release the iron-grasp on it.

This wholesale insistence of it being something that can be overcome with the right attitude has been highly detrimental to those who actually matter in this debate: the people who are suffering with it.

As a consequence, ME patients have been failed in terms of adequate treatment and significant funds are dove-tailed into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and, even worse, Graded Exercise – which has been shown to have a detrimental impact on the health of ME patients.

The problems about treating a physical illness in a psychological manner are brilliantly explored in Angela Kennedy’s ‘Authors Of Our Own Misfortune?’ which tackles the topic with some considerable aplomb.

What we are dealing with here is a systematic neglect of ME patients – and we should be under no illusion about that.

Equally, we must be sure to tackle it – medically and in the media – without hysteria or bile.

One of the reasons that ME patients are so vocal is because the mis-information of their illness has resulted in a dangerous delay of appropriate research and treatment. If that were you, would you be quiet about it? I certainly would not!

So yes, ME is a modern-day scandal. The way it has been portrayed is shocking. The Lipkin study, despite its detractors, will enable a deeper exploration of the illness and how it impacts and ravages bodies and lives.

And, to the relief of ME sufferers worldwide, that understanding cannot come a moment too soon.

September 19, 2012 Comments (110) | 

Just an update… not doing well.

Hey everyone,

I’ve taken a turn for the worse. I haven’t really recovered physically from my Big Day Out on the 13th. I’ve only left the house three times in the last week: therapy, acupuncture and the stress test appointment. Eight days without much improvement is unusual for me. That, in turn, has sent my mood into some deep, dark depths. That, in turn, is making my physical symptoms worse. My headache is constant, my back is in very bad pain, I sprained my neck in my sleep and it’s the worst it has been in months, my chest is tight, my concentration and cognitive abilities are shot. I kind of want to (jump, dance, laugh, sing, run) crawl into a hole and come out when they discover a cure for this disease.

I want to go off the birth control pill, but I’m afraid to. I want to take the Lyrica, but I’m afraid to. I want to take the Ambien, but I’m afraid to. I want to take the Chinese herbs, but I’m afraid to. I want to take an anti-depressant, but I’m afraid to. I want to try medicinal marijuana, but I’m afraid to. Yesterday, I wound up taking two quarters of a Norco for the pain, spaced out by about 8 hours and today I feel it ~ a sort of Norco hangover. I know it’s crazy, but my body is that sensitive and I am that sensitive to my body. I feel everything and I don’t want to help my pain, but cause edema or help my mood, but cause chest tightness… or whatever.

More than anything right now, I am mourning the loss of my husband’s old life. He has to do EVERYTHING and I’m not sure how he is holding it together. I am begging to talk about this and cry about this and be counselled about this all the time. He’s like, “What would you like for dinner?” And I say, “My fucking body back. A cure. My pain to go away. My fear to go away. My life to come back.” Only, I am currently unable to say it with a smile. So, I don’t say, “Pain-killers for an appetizer, a winning lotto ticket for the main course and a lobotomy for dessert, please, honey!” Instead, I look at him and start sobbing, “Why would I care about food? I just want to NOT BE SICK ANYMORE, don’t you get it?!”

One of my dearest, oldest friends is coming to see me today as she passes through town. She is vibrant and beautiful and I wish we could catch up without my sadness cloaked around me and my disease stepping on my shoulders. The day before yesterday, summer left. It’s now winter. Just like that. I am grateful for hot water bottles.

F.E.A.R. … for everything, a reason.

I have so much to say and nothing to say. I have never been so emotional in my life and never been so numb.


Quick recap: while having a “good day” last Thursday, I met with my old bosses, went to a two-hour doctor appointment and walked around the dog park for an hour. For five days afterwards, I was in extraordinary muscle and bone pain, had crushing headaches, could barely move, couldn’t stop crying and have had night sweats every night. Last night I took a quarter of a Norco and it took the edge off the pain. A quarter of a pill! People take, like, ten of those a day. I don’t get it.

After researching the number of cases of M.E. that are significantly worse because of enforced exercise or the patient pushing themselves, I am hanging in this limbo of fear. Fear of unintentionally overexerting myself and setting back my recovery permanently. Can I not go to the dog park? Should I not be talking on the phone? Should I stop people from coming to my house? Because the second I feel better and the pain eases up, I want to do things. And by “things” I mean take a walk, try cooking a meal, fold the laundry, play with the dogs. And what if I try drugs that make me feel better? It’ll be even harder to refrain from activity. God forbid my pain is taken away and I walk upstairs too quickly or laugh too hard. I’m also in fear of losing all muscle mass, all flexibility, all joint movement, and, scariest of all, fear of irreparable damage to my bones. Years ago I was diagnosed with osteopenia in my hips after a bone scan. I think it was 0.1 point off putting me in the osteoporosis range. They told me to take calcium, vitamin D and do weight-bearing exercise. Did I do any of those things? Nope. I started taking vitamin D about 6 months ago, I still don’t take calcium and now I’m not eating dairy and I’m unable to do weight-bearing exercise. Or cardio, obviously, which is sorely needed, since I’ve never done cardio workouts. My job was my exercise ~ running around restaurants ~ and yoga, too, back in the day. I’m also in fear of the drugs that might make me feel better. I don’t want to try 20 antidepressants to find the right one, I don’t want to put on 30 lbs from Lyrica or gabapentin, I don’t want to feel groggy and crazy from sleeping pills, I don’t want to deal with weaning off and withdrawal symptoms… But, most of all, I’m terrified of an allergic reaction. Having experienced anaphylactic shock, swollen tongue, not being able to breathe, syncope, headaches that feel like you might die, low pulse etc… I know how scary it is. And I hope I never have to use my Epipen because I HATE epinephrine. It feels like I’m jacked up on speed and not in a good way. It feels like it stops my heart and then zaps it back at 5 times the normal heart rate ~ I won’t even let them use it at the dentist, I’d rather have a 100 injections in my gums than just one with epinephrine that’ll keep the anesthetic in my body. Finally, despite my 8 commandments, I am in fear of being home-bound (not homeward-bound, big difference. I wish I was…) for the rest of my life and losing my mind. Or, worse, being drugged out of my mind and my husband having to take care of me and losing his mind. Or, worse, getting worse in this disease or another disease or getting a cold or a chest infection or food poisoning or any of the millions of things that could make this so. much. worse. … and not caring anymore whether I even have a mind to lose.

So, my doctor appointment today. I had a physical and a stress test. They told me to fast for blood work, which turned out not to be necessary. I don’t know about you, but, not having my tea and breakfast in the morning messes everything up — and now that includes my supplement schedule — so, I was not functioning. I was shaking and achy and cold. My blood pressure was 84/60, my temperature was 99.4. A doctor finally touched me! He poked and prodded and said my labs looked fine (cholesterol, liver). Shocker. He wanted to do X-rays of my spine but I asked him to hold off because I have had a LOT of radiation lately and in life. He referred me to a neurologist and a rheumatologist (more doctors, yay) and gave me an Rx for Ambian CR and Lyrica.

I said, ” You’re starting me at the lowest dose of Lyrica, right?”
He said, “Yep, 75mg twice a day.”
I said, “If there is anything lower, PLEASE start me lower.”
He said, “Ok, 50mg twice a day.”
I said, “Ok, 50mg once a day.”
“Ok…50mg once a day to start with…at bedtime.”
“No, in the afternoon so I can monitor the effects.”
“Ok, fine…to start with. See me in a week so I can see how you’re doing on the Lyrica.”
“See you a week after I start the Lyrica?”
“Yes, which will be in ONE week because you’re starting it tonight.”
“Don’t count on it.”

That’s the exact conversation. I then went to do the stress test. They hook you up to electrodes and put you on a treadmill. It took about 45 minutes to get to the standing on the treadmill part. For fuck’s sake, I don’t care if you see me take my shirt off, you don’t have to explain everything in minute detail at a snail’s pace, I know what an electrode is, I know what a heart is, I am freezing and hungry and I’ve had no tea and I need to get home and sit down, hurry up! Here’s the sad part, I walked at 1 mile an hour for 2 minutes. It felt fine, like being at the dog park. Then she increased it to 2 miles an hour. This was fast for me. I don’t walk this fast since I got sick. I did it for 2 minutes and then the incline increased. I was fine, but starting to get worried about the repercussions. My thighs started to burn, but I was fine, it actually felt good. Burning muscles! What I would give to work my muscles so hard they burned from the effort and the next day I would be sore and think, “I had a great workout.” But, after the past 5 days, I was so scared of what this atypical movement would do to my body. The fear of tonight, the fear of no tomorrow. At the 6th minute, when the incline went up again and I really wanted to push myself, see how high my heart rate could go and feel my breath quicken, I quit. I felt okay, I felt I could have pushed through. I probably even could have run briefly, but I was too scared of what it would do to my muscles and how it might set back my recovery. The monitor moved and blipped steadily with my heart… But it didn’t show it breaking.

Title Credit

Things You Can Do To Help

Some of you have asked how you can help me. I have a tendency to say, “You just did” because knowing that people care to help and that I won’t be left to die makes things so much easier. But there are a few things that occurred to me the last few days that you can do to help me (or that you already do do) (do do ;-)):

  1. When you leave comments on my blog, leave voicemails, send emails, texts etc., it means the world to me. I may not get back to you right away or ever ~ the blog is about as much sitting in a chair at a computer as I can manage ~ but, I thank you and appreciate you and can not adequately express what it means to have your support.
  2. If anyone is ever bored, I need help finding a C.F.S./M.E. specialist and figuring out if there is anything I can do to get better or contribute to the research. Can I be a guinea pig? Do I need to fly to some doctor somewhere? And not just good doctors like the ones at the Mayo Clinic, but doctors specialising in this disease. Aren’t they just dying for textbook cases like mine? Don’t they want to take biopsies of my muscles or give me tasks and see how my pain and strength change? I would think there are an awful lot of people out there who are chronically fatigued or chronically in pain or suffering horribly but who do not, in fact, have the classic M.E. symptom of feel-okay-do-something-physical-and-practically-pay-with-your-life (as well as the vertigo at onset, debilitating exhaustion and pain, headaches, sore throats, temperature problems, night sweats and chills blah blah blah). I’m not over weight, I don’t drink or smoke, I have no home stressors, all my labs are normal ~ Aren’t the specialists gagging to study me? And all the other people I am in communication with online who are suffering at home? Shouldn’t the specialists and researchers be coming to us?? I’m just too exhausted to research all the links, all the info, read all the books… it’s such overload and gives me nightmares and makes my fears deepen.
  3. I was given the gift of a house cleaning (you know who you are, thank you). The money it cost was better spent than on any therapy session, massage or acupuncture I’ve had. This woman was so wonderful, so thorough, so kind. My house has never looked so good and it is pure joy to have that luxury. When she was leaving, she asked me, “Have you prayed to God?” I said, “No, I haven’t gotten to that point yet.” She said, “I will pray for you every day, Miss.” And it made me think about all those studies I read in college that showed patients healed better, faster, and more completely when people were praying for them even if the patients themselves didn’t know anyone was praying for them. These were statistically significant results. Call it what you like; I call it the collective unconscious, energy, intention. We are more powerful than we know and intention ~ brain waves, the power of the mind ~ can give results. So, my third and most-odd-for-me request: if you are so inclined, please say a prayer for me. And, if you are not inclined, maybe just throw a thought out into the universe that this affliction will leave me. I will do the same for you in my daily meditations. Even if I don’t get better, we might cause Mount Rainier to erupt or something, which would add some excitement to my life.