What a difference a day makes.

Yesterday, I had an extreme reaction to the tiny dose of doxylamine succinate (unisom) that I take to sleep. It is the only drug that has worked and I have been careful to use only 1/4pill at a time and only a few nights at a time. But not careful enough, I guess. My body totally melted down yesterday. There’s no other way to describe it. Pre-syncope doesn’t do it justice. It felt like an antihistamine overdose: very shaky, clammy, headachy, short of breath, heart rate all over the place, blood pressure bottoming out, collapsy, chilled to the bone (mini convulsions of chills), and then swollen and heat drenched…

I really thought I was going to have to go to the hospital and, once I knew I wouldn’t pass out and wouldn’t need paramedics, the fear and depression set in. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of drugs, eating, not sleeping, talking, walking, not walking, dying alone. This is no way to live. When I asked my husband what he loved about me when he first met me, he said, “You were fearless.” This makes me lament my current brain even more. What I would give to be fearless again!

I have a tilt table test scheduled for Monday and, if the horror stories online weren’t enough to terrify me, having this meltdown happen to me yesterday has definitely doused all hopefulness that the test could go well. Today I feel awful – extremely, achy, stiff, sore, and depleted. My eyes are swollen and my head is pounding. I feel just like I did after each of my syncope and anaphylaxis episodes: like I lay all night in a room full of black smoke while MSG dripped into my veins and strong men beat me with baseball bats. So, I’m really going to go get syncope symptoms provoked in a lab on Monday? I can’t take any meds this weekend and no caffeine, food or water the day of the test. That alone could be really bad for me. I’m scared of dehydration and low blood sugar. They are also conducting a sweat test, which I’m told is painful, and they don’t offer IV fluids after the test.

There are other things adding to my current distress:
I missed my physical therapy appointment yesterday. This is the second appointment I’ve missed with a practitioner who is in such high demand it takes months to get in to see him. I’m mortified and guilty.
I wanted to call Z. and Skype with E. (my best friends), both of which must be put on hold for weeks.
I’ve told my sister no the last five times she has offered to come over for a visit.
I was hoping and praying I could go to the cemetery on my scooter with my dogs this weekend, but it’s not going to happen. It has been weeks since I’ve gone there and the weather is meant to be pretty good. This gives it a sense of urgency because it’ll be wet and cold for the next six months.
My brother the pilot has another layover in Seattle two days after the autonomic testing and I don’t think I’ll be up to seeing him.
My appointment with the neurologist to go over my test results is on Halloween at 8am. Most of you know the fear this strikes in me. Up at 6am (after trying to sleep with no drugs) without my three hours of “gather my strength” time in bed in the morning, no food (because I can’t eat that early), trying to talk to a doctor and comprehend that early in the morning…?!
My gallbladder (?) twinge is back with a vengeance and I’m scared all over again about having to get emergency surgery with this sensitive, intolerant, anaphylactic body.
This happened right after I had added back steak and bacon to my diet and right before I was going to challenge eggs, so now I’m left nervous to eat any of those things (I was so looking forward to a day with eggs!).
And, finally, I’m sure I have a mast cell disorder (which I’ll write about one day) and that makes me more scared than my normal ME scared. If I have such a vicious reaction to the drug that is meant to prevent allergic reactions, what hope is there for me? I looked into a low-histamine diet and Jesus! No dried fruit, no black tea, no apples, oranges, pineapple, spinach, chocolate, leftover or processed meat etc. etc. Just give me a pill and fix it, dammit!

Anyway, sorry, my fingers are swollen and I have to stop typing. This was going to be a very short post to let friends and family know that I am going to try my hardest to do NOTHING for the rest of the month. I’ll be out of touch, but will read anything you write and thank you for your support and understanding. Gratitude for the fact that I’m not alone. X
And for the Project Runway finale I get to watch right now! 😉