Tag Archives: tests

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So, this is it.

Today I went for a follow up with the infectious disease doctor that I saw in May before I had to leave my job. I wanted to ask him about a few things that have been rattling around in my brain, namely: Could I have caught something from my dogs (through squirrels or birds or whatever)? Does he not think I have some sort of virus since I have a daily sore throat, hoarseness and low grade fever? What does he think about antivirals to treat Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) and/or cytomegalovirus (HCMV) and/or HHV6? I also ran Guillaine-Barre and bacterial endocarditis (SBE) past him and asked him about vaccines.

He is a wonderful, knowledgeable doctor and he took the time to explain things in detail to me, but I’ll sum it up by saying I am grasping at straws. He said, point blank: “You have chronic fatigue syndrome and, from here on out, you should work on treating the symptoms. Patients can get better, but they never get back to where they were before being sick.” It was very final. It left me feeling empty. This is it. I’ve spent a year researching, reading, going to doctors, getting tests, asking anyone and everyone for help and advice and ideas… It’s time to move on. This is it. It’s long term and I need to move on with treating my symptoms and stop searching searching searching…

Regarding the other stuff, the ID doctor said they had ruled out active viruses and, in his opinion, mostly ruled out autoimmune problems, so, what is left is allergy — immune activation/allergic response. His experience (and what the medical community knows) is, a virus triggers CFS but then the virus is long gone and I’m left with the body’s ongoing response that causes the symptoms. So, antivirals will do no good and antibiotics definitely won’t. He is the 4th doctor to tell me there is no way they would throw broad-spectrum antibiotics at a patient without any clear target – especially in CFS patients where side effects can really cause hell. I have tested positive to past infection or exposure to EBV, which most of us will (and I had this test done years ago with the same result, so I know this didn’t cause me to get sick, although you can get reactivated EBV) and he said I am negative for HCMV, which many people aren’t.

He doesn’t think there is anything that the dogs could have given to me, I would be paralysed and hospitalized if I had Guillian-Barre and I’d be dead if I had SBE (he said, before antibiotics, SBE was one of the few infections that was 100% fatal. People might survive rabies, for example, but not endocarditis). Finally, he said my husband should get a flu shot ASAP because flu would be “very bad for you” and that I should never get any vaccines until I’m over 65 and then reassess. Wow.

I also had a follow-up with the Good Doctor. She is the one who will be helping me with symptom management going forward. Since I spent three weeks “washing out”, I am going to add in one thing at a time, very carefully. We’re starting with foods, moving to supplements, then we’ll tackle other things down the road, like heavy metal testing, hormone testing, Chinese herbs for Gu Syndrome, even medical marijuana… Anything!

I added back in rice last week and, yesterday, I added back eggs. I’m pretty sure I had a reaction to the egg, so I’m going to steer clear of them for now. I was feeling almost great (yes, I said great. Yesterday afternoon was really the best I’d felt in months) and, within half an hour of eating the egg, I had a raging headache. And then I had allergy-type symptoms in my nose: runny, stuffy, swelly etc. (although, that is still with me today and could just be me ~ or maybe I’m finally getting the cold that’s been threatening for a year.) Thursday, I add back dairy, then corn, then tomatoes, then legumes…other grains… If/when I want to start the Lyrica, I do it three days after the last add-in and three days before the next.

She also had the results of my stool sample (how long did that take? Three months?). No parasites. Inflammation not as bad as she thought it would be. Yeast levels not good and, even though I take a too-expensive probiotic every day, the good bacteria in my gut are nonexistent. She said “this is actually quite concerning”, so I have a new probiotic to order and, after that, she is going to start me on herbal supplements to combat the yeast. I’m staying on the ferrous gluconate (watch out, iron causes constipation – who knew?! I thought it was from coming off the pill) and, down the road, we’ll add magnesium and zinc and the other supplements.

Gratitude today is given to last week’s headache: You were SO ALL-CONSUMING AND PAINFUL that I never gave one thought to my first period in nine months.

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What’s gone wrong in your system?

I got the results of my sleep study test yesterday. I spend about 15% of my night in deep and REM sleep and these should be around 20%. Also, I have a form of sleep apnea. There are three different kinds (I can’t remember the names): the most severe kind is when you stop breathing for a full ten seconds or more ~ I don’t have this. The second kind is when your throat relaxes to the point that you are not getting enough air, but it is a partial restriction ~ not full apnea. And the last kind is when this throat closing causes your brain to wake up to rectify the situation. I have the latter two. He said my brain is waking up an average of 49 times an hour. This has me in an aroused, wake state a lot, obviously, and it also causes my sleep cycles to be interrupted, so, even if 15% of my sleep is deep, it’s broken up throughout the night, which isn’t as restorative. So, I get to use a CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) machine! Seriously, I’m going to sleep with the Zeo headband, a mouth guard and a face mask? Wtf? That’s a pretty sight. But, please god, let it help me feel marginally better.

He also said, “Have you had your ferritin level checked?” “Yes, two months ago. It’s in your computer.” He looked it up: “Oh, it’s low. You should be on a supplement ~ that’ll help you feel less fatigued.”

Now, let me tell you how much this pisses me off. The crappy chronic fatigue clinic ordered this test along with zinc (which is also low). The results came back two months ago and nobody called to tell me what it meant. My regular GP saw the result of the ferritin, also, and didn’t tell me to do anything about it. Mine is low and I don’t have a period. If I had a period, it would be far lower, the sleep doctor said. So, I could have had TWO MONTHS OF SUPPLEMENTS UNDER MY BELT BY NOW IF SOMEONE HAD JUST REVIEWED THE RESULTS AND CALLED ME. I am raging mad! This has happened at every single step along the way this year. Nobody communicates with the patient. Actually, the front desk people do ~ schedulers etc. ~ they’ve been pretty good. And maybe one or two nurses. But is there a doctor out there that says, “I am testing you for X, Y, Z and, when I get the results, I will call you and explain them. I don’t think you have A, B, C and this is why:…”?? How dare they! I don’t know why the ferritin has me all riled up. It’s just that he put me on a heavy-duty supplement (ferrous gluconate 648mg/day), so obviously I need it and it might make a difference. Actually, the reason I’m so annoyed is this has happened so often and can have more serious consequences. I won’t get into the details, but my husband had a test that the doctor said was negative, but we have access to our results online, so, I looked at the results and googled the test and did the math and said, “uuummm, I think this is positive, not negative.” He emailed the doctor and, sure enough: “Oh, yes, sorry, it is positive. We need to treat you for that.” Say what?! I know they’re only human and I know they’re very busy and I know the whole healthcare system is a mess and maybe the doctors are just as frustrated as we are, but what if we didn’t have access to our records? I never would have found the mistake. And that’s just one of countless mistakes. Please, everyone, be your own best advocates. Call for your test results, request copies of every test you get done, review them yourself and point out anything that looks odd. And, pay attention to any result that is in the low or high range of “normal”! Normal has never been normal for me. My TSH was in the low range of normal for years as two giant goiters grew and strangled my thyroid until it wasn’t working anymore. My ferritin was technically in the “normal” range, but the doctor said it was too low. Et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah.

Ok, on to other stuff. WordPress shows me what internet searches led people to my blog. Yesterday, 6 out of 14 searches were for MRI info, so it makes me really happy that I expended the energy to write my tips. I hope it helped someone out there.

My wash-out period ended on Tuesday, but I haven’t added anything back in because I felt like such shite, I didn’t think I’d be able to distinguish my disease symptoms from any symptoms new foods caused. Maybe I will add rice today. The Good Doctor says we are looking for “stark sensitivities, so worsening of mood, fatigue, energy, pain.” This is really hard. I was feeling pretty good last week and then, without warning, I was a mess. If I had added rice in that day, would I think rice had caused it?

I’m back to using the light box and I’m starting acupuncture again next week. I’m going to try all the supplements again, as well as melatonin, Lyrica, and the Chinese herbs. I just don’t know in what order… I guess I have to add all the eliminated foods back in before I start anything else to gauge my reactions… This is so tedious and time-consuming. I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas and now I don’t get to celebrate at all. I can’t eat most of the food, I have no energy to do special preparations and, even if I did, there’s no point in planning something when the activity and/or socialising will just cause me to crash. Wow, this life sucks.

On a lighter note, have I mentioned how grateful I am for my husband? He drives me to my appointments, takes the dogs to the park, fixes our roof, landscapes the garden, hoovers, cooks dinner, sprays IcyHot on my back and, above all, keeps a positive attitude.

Good times gone, and you missed them
What’s gone wrong in your system?
Things they bounce like a Spalding
What’d you think, did you miss your calling?

It’s so free, this kind of feeling
It’s like life, it’s so appealing
When you’ve got so much to say
It’s called gratitude, and that’s right

Good times gone, but you feed it
Hate’s grown strong, you feel you need it
Just one thing, do you know you?
What you think that the world owes you?

What’s gonna set you free?
Look inside and you’ll see:
When you’ve got so much to say
It’s called gratitude, and that’s right

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My Overnight Sleep Study in the Hospital.

Check-in for the overnight sleep study was at 7:30pm. It was downtown in what looks like an office building across from the hospital. My husband drove me there and, when we arrived, the lobby was filled with overweight men. One of them was coughing, so you better believe I put my surgical mask on in the elevator. My husband doesn’t even blink an eye at this behavior. But, you know what? The last time I was getting my blood drawn and I explained to the phlebotomist that I didn’t have a cold, I just didn’t like being in the main public hospital because if I got sicker it wouldn’t bode well, she said, “That’s good! Protect yourself! You should!” And there are people out there who will think I have a cold and be grateful. I, for one, would be very grateful if someone were wearing a mask on a plane. The sickest person I’ve ever come in contact with in my life was sitting next to me on a plane. At the time I wasn’t paranoid, so I didn’t say anything, which I can’t believe. Somebody must have, though, because the air hostess (what are they called now?) tried talking to him — to help him or get him off the plane or something. I have no recollection what happened in the end, actually. Did I sit next to him the whole journey? Shudder.

Anyway, the check-in at the sleep clinic involved filling out the 4 EXACT SAME PAGES of forms as I had at the sleep clinic consultation. I will never understand why they do this to patients. Finally, about a month ago, I got savvy and created a google doc with all my allergies, over-the-counter meds, prescription meds, the reasons I take them, the dosages, when I started, when I stopped etc… So, I just print it out and take it to every appointment. To fill all that in on their forms might literally take hours. Plus, it would be very tiny writing. The room was like a hotel room: flat screen tv, shower, toilet, sink, bed… and 65 degrees. That’s like a walk-in. Okay, a broken walk-in, but that’s very cold for me. The tech told me to get into my pajamas and she would be back to take me to the electrode-placing room. This room was even colder. I sat in my little shorts and top shivering as she spent a full hour placing electrodes all over my scalp, chest and legs. She also put tight belts around me chest and waist. The whole time she was explaining things in her thick Russian accent. I was in Moscow in the 80s, I said. I traded my jeans for cigarettes and badges. Her eyes grew wide, Oh, when it was still the Soviet Union? But, these were beautiful badges and cigarette packs. In fact, I think I have the latter somewhere in a box with my Kiss (the band) bubblegum cards. If I can find them, I’ll post a picture. 24-year old cigarettes!When she was done, I looked like this:

I put another blanket on the bed, cranked up the heat in the room and lay down to read. I brought a suitcase; I came prepared. I brought Gatorade and snacks and pain-killers. I brought a bowl and oatmeal, a mug and teabags. But, really, there is no time for anything. By the time she’s done with you, it’s 9:30pm and she is going to be waking me up before 6am. That’s lovely ~ let’s take a bunch of sleep-deprived people and wake them at the crack of a sparrow’s fart (as my husband says). Even if I had asked the tech to heat me up some water for tea so I could warm up (the hospital paperwork said there was a microwave in the room, so I thought I’d be able to do it myself), I wouldn’t have been able to drink it comfortably because I had wires attached to my chin and things up my nose and even raising your arm is an ordeal. Once you are hooked up, nothing comes on or off and you can’t go to the toilet without waving your hand and calling out (because the tech is watching you all night on infrared cameras).She took my blood pressure which was 109/64 (quite high for me — thank you, chicken broth dinner) and ran me through a series of sensor tests (“point and flex your left foot, make a snoring sound, breathe through your nose only” etc.). They have sleep number beds which I thought was great ~ I always wondered what they were like. Holy shit do they suck. Do not fall for the infomercials! I lay there for an hour and a half trying to get comfortable and fall asleep. I listened to my sleep meditation 4 times in a row. I pressed the “softer” button on the mattress remote control about ten times. For those of you with fibromyalgia or any chronic pain, this is a woeful experience. Every wire, every electrode, every inch of the belts hurt my muscles. Plus, I’m on the thin side, so my bones felt like I was lying on concrete. I was like princess and the pea only the peas were jagged rocks. They want you to stay on your back, if possible, but, after the tenth time waking up in pain along my spine, I rolled to my side, not caring what wires I compromised (don’t worry, if a sensor falls off, the tech is alerted and comes in to replace it). I woke up at some stage and waved my hand and got her to disconnect me so I could go to the loo. I woke up at another stage and pushed the mattress “softer” button about 50 more times. I woke up at another stage and drank some water ~ very dry rooms. The one thing I forgot was my throat spray which would have helped with the tickle. I did have a lozenge in my purse on the other side of the room, but I wasn’t going to call the tech in for that. Hint to anyone doing a sleep study: put anything you think you might want by the bed before the tech hooks you up! I woke up again sweltering, had to push the covers off, take my knee-high wool socks off (Raynaud’s, remember), but no drenching night sweats, thank god. I woke up about 5 times with my neck tweaked to bits. The pillows are HORRIBLE. Why didn’t I tell them I had to bring my own pillow because of my neck injury?? (another hint) And then, at 5:55am, she woke me, ran me through the tests again and took my BP (80/51 ~ oof, I’ve never seen it that low unless I’m in a faint. Is it always that low in the morning?). With the lights on, this is what I found my face had been on, the pillow case slipped off:

Am I in jail? How many drooling, sweaty fat men have slept on that rag of a pillow, I ask you? Ew.

I assume most people shower because the goop they put in your hair is very thick and does not come off without hot water and shampoo, but I just wrapped a scarf around my head and went down to meet my husband. Half an hour later, I was in my own bed, with the electric blanket on, vertebrae cushioned, neck supported, more thankful than I have ever been in my life for a good mattress (Bragada is the brand, worth every penny) and a foam neck pillow (free with the Bragada!).

I don’t get the sleep results for 2 weeks. I guarantee the doctor tells me to take a sleeping pill.

Today, I am having a hard time breathing. My heart and lungs seem to be spasming, so I am going to spend the whole weekend trying to rest and praying praying praying that I don’t fall into a deep, dark crash tonight or tomorrow. Please let me get through that clinic visit without becoming bed-bound, weeping with pain and exhaustion. I’m just now slightly starting to feel less depressed, I need this triumph. I need to do one thing without my body punishing me.

Family and friends: I could have made this post half the length and then answered some of your emails, so I apologise… I’ll try to reply to you all tomorrow and not post on the blog.

Gratitude today is for our bed ~ the first big purchase for our new home in 2006. I had slept on a futon and my brother’s couches (in my 20s, I crashed with him in 3 different apartments) for 6 years before buying my first grown-up (cheap) mattress for my first grown-up apartment when I finally decided to stop being a nomad. Never underestimate the power of a decent mattress. I’m going back to mine right now. And I still have the goop in my hair.

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Appointments, tests, symptoms

I’m still dizzy. I’ve been dizzy for about 5 or 6 days now. Just unbalanced — things look odd, the world feels like it is slowly drifting to one side. This is different from the acute vertigo attack I had last year at the beginning of this illness and this is different than the “white-out” I’ve experienced my whole life when I stand up because I have low blood pressure. Last night, I woke up with stabbing pains in my stomach. I stayed awake for two hours, deep breathing. I don’t know if it was gas or what. I don’t care — I just want to track it. Other than that, my symptoms are: horrible headache, terrible back spams (mostly lower), my hands ache, neck pain, low-grade fever (99.7 when I took my temperature yesterday), and gritty eyes. But these are more like stone eyes or boulder eyes. Both eyes have what I used to call styes, but, upon deeper Internet exploration, may be something else… They’re not red or inflamed, they are small blisters on the inside lids. My top lip is swollen with some underground cystic acne nastiness. It looks like I was punched in the mouth. I look great, wish I could go out and socialize. But, seriously, I just miss feeling pretty. I miss getting dressed at all, let alone dressed UP. I miss not being in slippers.. a great pair of boots, a belt, jewelry … I miss brushing my hair and putting on mascara. I miss I miss I miss…

My thyroid hormone test results were fine. My liver and cholesterol panels looked fine. My bloodwork looked fine.

My first appointment of the week was acupuncture. He concentrated on harmonizing my shao yang symptoms which, according to Chinese medicine, are the alternating chills and fever I get daily.That night, after acupuncture, my daily headache became excruciating. It woke me up multiple times in the night. I thought it might have increased in severity from the acupuncture, which could have been true, but after the lingering brain cramps this morning, I actually think it might be from the Norco. I realise this is nuts seeing as I only took a quarter, but I can’t take Vicodin because of the headaches they give me and they’re the same ingredients.

I had my follow up with the Good Doctor on Tuesday. She said I seemed very tired and beat down. She thought it wasn’t a bad idea to take a holiday from the supplements if I felt overwhelmed and thought they might be contributing to the headache. But, she said I had to give my brain a holiday, too ~ stop worrying, planning, researching. Easier said than done. She didn’t want me to go off of the supplement and the birth control pill at the same time, which is fine because it’s not possible to go off the pill until I have a decent pain killer option. She had not received the results from the stool sample even though it’s been three weeks. She said once again, I never have these sort of troubles with labs! Stay tuned for the scathing essay I will write one day about medical mistakes. She said narcotics can absolutely give you a headache when you take them and give you a headache when they wear off. All in all, it was a pretty wasted trip. I think she took one look at my face and decided to concentrate on consoling me. Although, she did say she thought I should consider a brain MRI since my headaches are increasing in severity and waking me up at night. I think this disease is an autoimmune problem and/or a deep-seated pathogen that is causing neurological problems on top of all the others. I don’t think I have something that will show up on an MRI.

I also had a therapy appointment that day, too, and, since my chauffeur was also my spouse, I invited him into the session. It was good — for no other reason than they got to meet each other. I cried the whole time, explaining my guilt that he was doing so much and my grief that our lives had disappeared and my regret that we never did X/Y/Z before I got sick. Interestingly and to my relief, my therapist said that everything she has heard from me in the last few weeks is depressive thinking and is brand new. She said this whole year I have had anxiety over my sickness, leaving my career, what the future holds etc. — but that I had been a “trooper”. The depression of the last month is new and situational. I needed to hear that. It helps me say, get your shit together, girl, this isn’t you! When you are consumed by grief, it’s hard to remember what normal feels like. Even normal in sickness.

Today, I talked with an advocate for the M.E. Network with whom my aunt put me in touch (even my extended family has rallied to help me — I am very blessed). She is a nurse and had M.E. and recovered. She is adamantly against psychiatric drugs and she gave me her reasons. I agree with her and it was good to hear a healthcare worker not pushing the meds and talking about how compromised things have become because of pharmaceutical companies and their drug-pushing reps. However, getting a good pain killer and possibly an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant was my next course of action and now I feel hopeless again. Part of me just thought, if I give in and dope myself up, life would feel better even if it wasn’t better. She cautioned that M.E./C.F.S. patients’ brains are already compromised by the disease, so psychiatric drugs can make things much worse. I feel like I’m back to square one. Truly, my Rx is rest, short walks, baths, meditation and time…. while feeling like I’m dying for who knows how long? People have gone through worse. People are going through worse.

I’m grateful I’m not going through worse. This took me three days to write.

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F.E.A.R. … for everything, a reason.

I have so much to say and nothing to say. I have never been so emotional in my life and never been so numb.

Quick recap: while having a “good day” last Thursday, I met with my old bosses, went to a two-hour doctor appointment and walked around the dog park for an hour. For five days afterwards, I was in extraordinary muscle and bone pain, had crushing headaches, could barely move, couldn’t stop crying and have had night sweats every night. Last night I took a quarter of a Norco and it took the edge off the pain. A quarter of a pill! People take, like, ten of those a day. I don’t get it.

After researching the number of cases of M.E. that are significantly worse because of enforced exercise or the patient pushing themselves, I am hanging in this limbo of fear. Fear of unintentionally overexerting myself and setting back my recovery permanently. Can I not go to the dog park? Should I not be talking on the phone? Should I stop people from coming to my house? Because the second I feel better and the pain eases up, I want to do things. And by “things” I mean take a walk, try cooking a meal, fold the laundry, play with the dogs. And what if I try drugs that make me feel better? It’ll be even harder to refrain from activity. God forbid my pain is taken away and I walk upstairs too quickly or laugh too hard. I’m also in fear of losing all muscle mass, all flexibility, all joint movement, and, scariest of all, fear of irreparable damage to my bones. Years ago I was diagnosed with osteopenia in my hips after a bone scan. I think it was 0.1 point off putting me in the osteoporosis range. They told me to take calcium, vitamin D and do weight-bearing exercise. Did I do any of those things? Nope. I started taking vitamin D about 6 months ago, I still don’t take calcium and now I’m not eating dairy and I’m unable to do weight-bearing exercise. Or cardio, obviously, which is sorely needed, since I’ve never done cardio workouts. My job was my exercise ~ running around restaurants ~ and yoga, too, back in the day. I’m also in fear of the drugs that might make me feel better. I don’t want to try 20 antidepressants to find the right one, I don’t want to put on 30 lbs from Lyrica or gabapentin, I don’t want to feel groggy and crazy from sleeping pills, I don’t want to deal with weaning off and withdrawal symptoms… But, most of all, I’m terrified of an allergic reaction. Having experienced anaphylactic shock, swollen tongue, not being able to breathe, syncope, headaches that feel like you might die, low pulse etc… I know how scary it is. And I hope I never have to use my Epipen because I HATE epinephrine. It feels like I’m jacked up on speed and not in a good way. It feels like it stops my heart and then zaps it back at 5 times the normal heart rate ~ I won’t even let them use it at the dentist, I’d rather have a 100 injections in my gums than just one with epinephrine that’ll keep the anesthetic in my body. Finally, despite my 8 commandments, I am in fear of being home-bound (not homeward-bound, big difference. I wish I was…) for the rest of my life and losing my mind. Or, worse, being drugged out of my mind and my husband having to take care of me and losing his mind. Or, worse, getting worse in this disease or another disease or getting a cold or a chest infection or food poisoning or any of the millions of things that could make this so. much. worse. … and not caring anymore whether I even have a mind to lose.

So, my doctor appointment today. I had a physical and a stress test. They told me to fast for blood work, which turned out not to be necessary. I don’t know about you, but, not having my tea and breakfast in the morning messes everything up — and now that includes my supplement schedule — so, I was not functioning. I was shaking and achy and cold. My blood pressure was 84/60, my temperature was 99.4. A doctor finally touched me! He poked and prodded and said my labs looked fine (cholesterol, liver). Shocker. He wanted to do X-rays of my spine but I asked him to hold off because I have had a LOT of radiation lately and in life. He referred me to a neurologist and a rheumatologist (more doctors, yay) and gave me an Rx for Ambian CR and Lyrica.

I said, ” You’re starting me at the lowest dose of Lyrica, right?”
He said, “Yep, 75mg twice a day.”
I said, “If there is anything lower, PLEASE start me lower.”
He said, “Ok, 50mg twice a day.”
I said, “Ok, 50mg once a day.”
“Ok…50mg once a day to start with…at bedtime.”
“No, in the afternoon so I can monitor the effects.”
“Ok, fine…to start with. See me in a week so I can see how you’re doing on the Lyrica.”
“See you a week after I start the Lyrica?”
“Yes, which will be in ONE week because you’re starting it tonight.”
“Don’t count on it.”

That’s the exact conversation. I then went to do the stress test. They hook you up to electrodes and put you on a treadmill. It took about 45 minutes to get to the standing on the treadmill part. For fuck’s sake, I don’t care if you see me take my shirt off, you don’t have to explain everything in minute detail at a snail’s pace, I know what an electrode is, I know what a heart is, I am freezing and hungry and I’ve had no tea and I need to get home and sit down, hurry up! Here’s the sad part, I walked at 1 mile an hour for 2 minutes. It felt fine, like being at the dog park. Then she increased it to 2 miles an hour. This was fast for me. I don’t walk this fast since I got sick. I did it for 2 minutes and then the incline increased. I was fine, but starting to get worried about the repercussions. My thighs started to burn, but I was fine, it actually felt good. Burning muscles! What I would give to work my muscles so hard they burned from the effort and the next day I would be sore and think, “I had a great workout.” But, after the past 5 days, I was so scared of what this atypical movement would do to my body. The fear of tonight, the fear of no tomorrow. At the 6th minute, when the incline went up again and I really wanted to push myself, see how high my heart rate could go and feel my breath quicken, I quit. I felt okay, I felt I could have pushed through. I probably even could have run briefly, but I was too scared of what it would do to my muscles and how it might set back my recovery. The monitor moved and blipped steadily with my heart… But it didn’t show it breaking.

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