I should be used to the roller coaster by now. But somehow it feels even more cruel that I felt good yesterday and I am in bed today by 6pm, shivering, shaky, chilled, feverish, feeling scared and sick… I can’t live like this, I tell my husband.I let myself start sobbing even though I know it’ll make things worse. I don’t know how other people do it, but I can’t keep going like this. He says, You have to. We’ve had this conversation a hundred times. No, one day I won’t be able to anymore. I can’t keep getting my hopes up and then having them dashed. This isn’t worth it. Nothing is worth this, I say. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, he says. It will be worth it. It has to be worth it.

Maybe I should scrap everything I’m doing. Start with sleeping pills, then anti-depressants, then pain killers… If this is going to be a lifetime problem, though, how do I commit to a lifetime of pharmaceutical maintenance? I can’t. But I can commit to a lifetime of good eating and relaxation practices, some exercise and laughter. Am I totally naive to think I can conquer this without heavy-duty drugs? Am I totally naive to think I can conquer this at all?