Just when I thought I was out… it pulls me back in.

I should be used to the roller coaster by now. But somehow it feels even more cruel that I felt good yesterday and I am in bed today by 6pm, shivering, shaky, chilled, feverish, feeling scared and sick… I can’t live like this, I tell my husband.I let myself start sobbing even though I know it’ll make things worse. I don’t know how other people do it, but I can’t keep going like this. He says, You have to. We’ve had this conversation a hundred times. No, one day I won’t be able to anymore. I can’t keep getting my hopes up and then having them dashed. This isn’t worth it. Nothing is worth this, I say. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, he says. It will be worth it. It has to be worth it.

Maybe I should scrap everything I’m doing. Start with sleeping pills, then anti-depressants, then pain killers… If this is going to be a lifetime problem, though, how do I commit to a lifetime of pharmaceutical maintenance? I can’t. But I can commit to a lifetime of good eating and relaxation practices, some exercise and laughter. Am I totally naive to think I can conquer this without heavy-duty drugs? Am I totally naive to think I can conquer this at all?

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2 thoughts on “Just when I thought I was out… it pulls me back in.

  1. Anna says:

    You are not naive and you can conquer this. I imagine one of the most frustrating parts is just not knowing WHAT to do. What path to choose. What medications to take. What doctors or specialists to trust. How long to stick it out with a medication. Surely one of them will be your salvation, but you have to experiment to find the right one. It can’t be easy on your patience. But eventually something will work. It will.

    Like

  2. akaemilo says:

    You mean more to me than you know. Thank you for your support and encouragement!!!!!!!

    Like

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