One of the most common responses when someone is sick or bereaved is “if there’s anything you need, just let me know”. Well-intentioned as these words may be, it is unlikely the person will let you know what it is that they need for three simple reasons.

1. It is difficult to distinguish genuine offers of help from simple politeness.

When I first became ill, friends, relatives, doctors, colleagues and virtual strangers would pat my arm and say ‘if there’s anything you need…’ but it was rarely possible to tell who really meant those words and who proffered them as meaningless platitudes when they didn’t know what else to say.

On several occasions I plucked up the courage to ask for help only to realise the friend in question had never really expected to be held to their offer. Once asked for help, they would feel obliged to deliver, but would often do…