Well, I’m a few days late (and more than a few dollars short). I’ve been working on this post for a week while not feeling well, but I’m determined to finish. Invisible Illness Awareness Week was last week and, in an effort to raise awareness, invisibleillnessweek.com has put together the “30 Things About My Illness” questionnaire below. The website offers support to patients and caregivers through articles, podcasts, illness lists and links to associations and resources. You should check it out!
30 THINGS ABOUT MY ILLNESS:
1. The illness I live with is:
Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. I have other conditions, such as mast cell activation disorder, thyroid disease, dysautonomia, hypoglycemia, IBS, dysmenorrhea, and chronic intractable migraines but these are speed bumps in relation to the Mount Everest that is ME. Undoubtedly, all these problems are connected in some way.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
I was diagnosed about one year ago.
3. But I had symptoms since:
ME hit me one night like a freight train around 11pm on Halloween night, 2011. One hour I was fine, the next hour I was in the grips of what I thought was a very bad virus. Chills and drenching sweats lasted all night and… the rest is history.
Years before that, I had dealt with thyroid goiters, anaphylaxis and vasovagal syncope, but they were just blips in my otherwise healthy, normal life. ME changed that.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:
I could say losing my career, my social life, traveling, my income, the future I envisioned… But, really, the hardest adjustment has been a life with minimal energy expenditure: the loss of walking, running, talking exuberantly, emoting, gesticulating… I hate this still life.
5. Most people assume:
Most people assume I’m being antisocial. Most people assume that I worked too much, hit a wall and walked away and am just uncommunicative. Only my family and closest few friends know the extent of what happened to me.
6. The hardest part about mornings are:
The distressing, sinking realisation that I’ve woken up too early (and won’t go back to sleep) and had a bad night. Feeling dizzy before I’ve even opened my eyes. Being greeted with a headache and neck pain before I’ve even sat up.
7. My favorite medical TV show is:
House!! And any real life medical show like Trauma: Life in the ER. I’ve loved that stuff my whole life. They used to show real operations, graphic and unedited, on some show in Ireland when I was young and I loved watching. I’m not squeamish; I always thought I’d be working in an ER.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:
My smart phone. It’s my lightweight connection to the rest of the world: news, blogs, emails, texts, photos, videos and calls. Plus, it has all my meditation CDs on it.
9. The hardest part about nights are:
For the first year I was sick, nights were lonely, terrifying, desperate, viral horror shows. There are not adequate words to describe what my nights were like. Now, the hardest part is the fear that I will not sleep well and will wake the next morning feeling worse.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins.
I usually take about 26 supplements a day (double that for the number of actual pills). Currently, I’m on a vitamin and supplement hiatus, so I am only taking probiotics, magnesium, melatonin, Zyrtec, nasal spray, topical antibiotic cream, and a few times a week, when I have a headache or can’t sleep, I take Tylenol, Unisom, and Tizanidine.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:
I have tried most of it: acupuncture, massage, craniosacral therapy, reiki, energy healers, meditation, breathing exercises, diet, stretches, Chinese herbs, supplements blah blah blagh. I don’t know what constitutes “alternative”, but I would do anything to get better.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:
I have a half-written blog post called “Visible Illness” because I look sick ~ or, at least, I look different than I used to ~ and I have caught myself feeling jealous of the “healthy”-looking ME patients I have seen online. However, my illness is invisible in the sense that nobody can see just how bad it is by looking at me ~ especially during the first year, when I pushed through everything to go to work.
Which would I prefer? Neither. Illness is evil and, ultimately, nobody can ever comprehend a sick person’s suffering, regardless of how bad they look on the outside.
13. Regarding working and career:
I never stop dreaming about my next career. I have a different idea every day. I miss working, I miss having responsibility and helping people, I miss being good at something, I miss having the security of an income.
14. People would be surprised to know:
Those that haven’t seen me in a while would be surprised to see that I have gone from an energetic, talkative, happy, demonstrative, busy person to someone who moves very little and doesn’t leave the house. Those close to me might be surprised to know just how black my blackness was this past year and how often I thought about suicide (it took all my guts to write that word. It’s shameful and scary, but true).
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:
That I can’t exert energy. That’s it. It rules all else. I can’t find a new job, I can’t make plans for a different life than the one I had imagined, I can’t socialise or cook food or deal with banks or disability or do anything to adapt and move on. I only feel ok if I am flat on my back, not moving. But I keep trying to make progress and those endeavors always cause me to be in pain. And I’m intolerant to painkillers. So it’s a continual try-to-gain-ground-get-knocked-down cycle.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:
Admit it – admit I was a sick person. Also, there was a time when I wondered if I’d ever laugh again. When the headaches ease up, laughter returns. It’s glorious.
17. The commercials about my illness:
There are none, but there are commercials about fibromyalgia and, of course, they show women able to move freely if they take Lyrica. Imagine the only symptom being achiness! Imagine a pill taking care of it! Sign me up!
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:
See this post. Dancing with my dogs on the beach, eating whatever I want, staying up late, talking nonstop, getting excited, getting angry, having a career, dreaming up future plans, driving myself places, traveling, having financial security… See the recurring theme?
19. It was really hard to have to give up:
I want to say everything in #18, but I’ll change it up and say getting dressed and feeling pretty. I miss a great pair of jeans and make-me-feel-tall boots and thinking my eyes look bright and generally feeling attractive.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:
Meditation. I couldn’t live without it now.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:
Only one day? So not enough time to go to Europe? Can I plan this day in advance and get my loved ones to come to me? Ok, I’ll assume that’s a yes. Then I would get everyone I love to Seattle in advance and on The Day we would hike, talk, laugh, play games, eat a lot, get rip-roaring drunk, never have to rest and then sleep soundly, deeply, peacefully ~ without a cpap and with my husband and dogs.
22. My illness has taught me:
How under-equipped society is to help the disabled, sick and elderly. It is astounding and harrowing to realise how difficult and time-consuming it is to drive, park, get to a doctor’s office, get home help, get financial help ~ everything! And, when you’re sick, everything costs more, so what happens when you can’t work? I worry about old age all the time.
23. One thing people say that gets under my skin is:
When people say nothing. When friends don’t want to “burden” me with their own problems or don’t contact me because they don’t want to “impose” or don’t text me because I haven’t responded in days/weeks and they think the ball’s in my court or that they don’t want to keep “bothering” me. It is incredibly comforting when someone asks questions about my illness or vents to me about their hardships or gossips about work or continues to let me know they are thinking about me. Once in a while, I would love my husband (and family) to take a break from being the strong caregiver and wallow in a bit of mutual mourning: “This is so fucking unfair! We had dreams and plans! We had only just stopped living paycheck to paycheck! You were so alive and I am turned inside out to see your life force disappearing…” Maybe it’s selfish, but, someone else screaming at the sky would make me feel a little less alone.
24. But I love it when people:
Remind me that, even in this diminished capacity, I am still vital and worthy of being a friend.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
“As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Also, my mother once told me she had read that if you have one pain-free day, there is the possibility of being permanently pain-free. I think about this all the time on days like today: Just because I’m having a bad day today, it doesn’t mean I will always have bad days. There will be days again without headaches. There will be days when I can move more freely.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:
You will improve. That was the first line of an email someone wrote to me and I didn’t read any further, I just closed the computer and wept. I needed to know that life could and would be bearable one day.
Also, I caution anyone recently diagnosed to not read all the horror stories about ME. It is good to raise awareness about the severity of this disease, but, after doing tireless research for months, my fear drowned out what my body was whispering. Stop pushing yourself, rest, listen to your body and believe you will improve.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
How many of us there are ~ in every country, of every age, ethnicity and socioeconomic standing. I am amazed and grateful for how many of us are online, sharing advice and giving support to each other. Sometimes, you lot are all that gets me through.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:
Not leave me. My husband, family and a few friends have wrapped themselves around me ~ physically and virtually ~ and given me the security that I have SWAT team back-up in this war.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
I’m quoting Linds: “I think it’s a great way to bring much needed awareness to the struggles others endure. The illness is invisible, not the person.”
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Honoured. Or honored, depending on where you learned to spell. 🙂
Also check out my other blamily members’ answers to this questionnaire: Jess, Marie, Christine, Luminescence, Trisha… Who have I missed? Let me know if you posted this questionnaire to your blog and I will link it here.
I never cared much for technology before falling ill, but tonight I really love it! Your honesty is brutal, real and shows the demon ME in her horrific glory. Some day she will be in the past and you will be even better than the person you were before. :)… (honoured to have read it!)
I love picturing you reading over there on the West coast of my beloved island… Sometimes I wonder if I should be brutal and real, but it’s the truth, so why hide it? No shame, right? I love your optimism. Yes, some day our relationships with ME will end and we will be freer and happier than ever before!
Funny you say that, each night I look to the sky (I have some weird fascination with the moon… don’t ask!) and think E.Milo and Jess have the same moon. We’re under the same sky 🙂 We should never ponder over the truth, no matter how bare she is, she is the truth, its never shameful to speak her 🙂 xx
I am the one who is honoured. Thank you again for another open, informative blog post. I’ve been ill (agh, just did the maths) sixteen years. One day, I will learn to admit that I am sick. 🙂
Wow, what a compliment! I really appreciate your comment ~ it has me all chuffed and weepy. 🙂 16 years?? I can’t imagine how brave you have been and you are continuing to write and help others. Amazing. Thank you for reading. x
Now I’m all weepy! Hehe. 😉
Well done for sharing, sometimes it’s not so easy to do when you’re in the middle of a flare up.
I too am honoured that you have chosen me as one of your blamily, Thank you.
Thank you, I love my blamily! And, you’re right ~ I have tweaked my spine sitting at the computer for too long writing this post. But I finished! 🙂
You did a great job with this meme. I admire your honesty about how hard it is been to live with this condition. And thank you for including me as a part of your blamily!
Thank you so much! If I can be honest on here, where can I be, right? I’ve let go of pride. Thank you so much for the comment!
Yep…I’m crying! We have SO much in common!! 99% of the things you wrote I have felt, too, including the thoughts of suicide.
Thank you for sharing openly. It means a great deal.
That means so much to me, Christine. I am doing ok emotionally now, but from September of last year to just a few months ago, it was a very rough road. I was having some regrets about my answers and you made me feel confident that they might help someone. Thank YOU.
Truly, it meant so much to me that someone else felt the same way I do. I definitely felt less alone and less cuckoo!
Right back at you, baby! 🙂
#22 for sure! I agree completely.
I was bedridden with ME for nearly 10 years. So ill I nearly died twice. I’m now able to drive, walk my dog every day, get dressed every day (yayy!), cook, meet friends for lunch. I’m not cured, and am still largely housebound, but I don’t feel like I’m dying every day and have some quality of life. Just wanted to say there is always hope of recovery – always x