I don’t like fruit. I’ve never really liked fruit. It doesn’t taste very good, it’s not filling, it gives you a stomach ache, it messes with your bowels. I have never understood people that buy fruit to eat it raw for the taste. I’ve only ever eaten it because it’s supposed to be good for me. Bananas gross me out. I eat them all the time because I’m trying to be good to my body, but they are the right taste and texture for about 3 minutes during their lifetime. Before that, they are grassy and tart, afterwards, they are muddy and diarrheal. My coworkers used to eat brown bananas by my desk just to see me wretch.
Well, now, with this diet, I am forced to eat a lot of fruit. I was trying to be positive: Mmm, fresh produce! Yum, berries! Apples taste great! This morning, I did that while eating my breakfast peach: Peaches are so good in season! So juicy and tasty and fresh! But, they’re not! It’s a lie. Their skin is freaky fuzzy and they always have brown soft spots that feel …contagious. But, by god, I wasn’t going to eat another Lara Bar for breakfast, so I persevered. When I was almost finished, the peach cracked open. The center had no pit ~ it was rotten and very moldy and, joy, two earwigs scurried out. I screamed, dropped the peach, my dog jumped up with his ears flattened and tail tucked, the earwigs disappeared (I honestly can’t find them anywhere) and then I promptly puked.
My husband happened to stop by the house while this was happening. He said, “Why does this stuff always happen to you?” And then he reminded me of the time a few years ago when I had bitten into a cashew and found a bug inside. Probably not the best thing to bring up when I’m doubled over the toilet and half of my current diet is nut-based.
So, I ask you, do I decide to have a liquid breakfast of chocolate almond milk every morning and just deal with the nausea that the pills will give me? Or, do I decide that I am allowed to eat oats, only in the morning in the form of granola, muesli, porridge or oat/nut/fruit bars? Do I perservere and eat a banana every morning during that 3-minute window of banana goodness and call that my breakfast? Or do I say, my quality of life is suffering and now, not only am I sick physically, but I’m sick to my stomach and depressed thinking about food every day, so fuck it…? What do you vote, readers?
This sounds like a horrible experience but the way you write about it is almost comical. Just the word “scurried” makes me want to giggle and “I honestly can’t find them anywhere” is hilarious. I’m sure it was awful, but I’ve got to compliment your prose skills here. You are very talented.
Anyway, are there any cereals you can eat? They can’t all be grain-based, can they? Or have you gone to see a nutritionist or diet specialist that could help you come up with solutions to these problems (I’m sure you’ve thought of this already). Maybe try eggs again? What about a bread alternative like that stuff that comes with Ethiopian food (I’m sure you’ve thought of this already too, and I have no idea what that’s actually made out of – it could be the exact same ingredients as bread). What about fruit strips, like the kind they sell at Trader Joe’s? They have their “Fiberful” brand and their fruit bars. I know it’s still fruit, but I find them much more enjoyable to eat than raw fruit. And I know those wouldn’t fill you up but they could at least help. What about something like Soy Dream fake ice cream? I’m not sure if you can have that and I realize it’s not “breakfast” but fuck it, with all of these restrictions, you deserve dessert for breakfast. Can you have Odwalla or Naked juices? Those are good and kind of filling…Have you gone to a co-op or hippy-dippy place where they might be able to point you to other fake foods? I bet they have fake eggs and they definitely have fake everything else. Can you have tofu or seitan or tempeh? You could have tofu and spinach with some sort of sauce or something…
Ditch the diet!! It’s not working and causing more stress than necessary. How long is it supposed to take, eating this diet, to feel any better? It’s too strict.
[…] of you might recall my experience with earwigs inside a peach and mold inside an apple and the bloody, black soul I found inside a banana… My saga […]
[…] never cared about fruit before ~ in fact, I downright hated it (see this, this and this post) ~ until I went on a low-histamine and low-sugar diet and, suddenly, a […]