I was crying yesterday… I left a massage and drove (myself) home, listening to music, crying the whole way. I told my husband it was just because “I want it to go away. I want to get better now.” However, that was only half true. It’s also because I have felt a little hope these last three days. My headache eased up, my pain eased up, I slept better, I feel more energised, more alive… and I DON’T WANT THIS FEELING TO LEAVE. I know it will… I know this is cyclical… but, right now, in this moment, in this breath, I feel like I could get better. I started crying again today and it was because I realised that I was smiling at a memory of a conversation with E. I was smiling and making tea, not noticing the weight of the kettle. I was smiling and had gotten up to go to the kitchen without noticing how difficult it was to stand. I was smiling and, when I noticed, I started crying… but, I’m still smiling through the tears. Please, please let this affliction be taken away. This feels so good. I am so grateful for every minute of relief. Please let me beat this. I can beat this.

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you