by

Fruit still sucks!

Who knew this would turn into a 4-post day? But I had to share one more thing. Never, in 39 years, have I ever seen anything like this. Fruit hates me. When I opened my banana to make a smoothie this morning, there was a weird red tinge, so I cut a slice away lengthwise and ~ just look at the photo below. I’m not kidding you, that whateveritis was red —RED— and dotted with MOLD. What IS that?! Red moldy internal banana bleeding? Seriously, if anyone has ever had peach earwigs, a moldy apple core and a red banana bruise in their LIFETIME, let alone ONE MONTH, I want to know about it. EW!

PS: We happened to have a pear in the house and I knew from the menu that Anna had linked to on one of my earlier posts, that I could use a banana or a pear as a good smoothie base. Never would have occurred to me. Thanks, Anna!

by

Remember to notice the good times.

I would like to mention some good times so nobody thinks the sadness sticks around all the time. Today, I managed to briefly meet friends and go to a very long doctor appointment and still had energy for the dog park. It was sunny and warm and there weren’t very many people there. Once again, I found myself smiling while walking –maybe even strutting— and listening to my music. There’s something liberating about walking in a tank top with the sun shining, a breeze blowing and not being at all cold. At least it’s liberating for someone who spends their life in close contact with either a hot water bottle, hot tub, electric blanket or electric vest (which is made for motorcycle riders, but is wondrous for freezing freaks like I). Speaking of, there was this one day years ago when my husband and I were riding our motorbikes on a hot day through the mountains. I took off my leather jacket and, for the first and only time in my life, I dared to drive fast on the country highway wearing only a tank top (and leather pants and a helmet, duh), with the wind racing over me and the sun beating down on me… My god, I will never forget that feeling. Oddly, today, smiling and strutting slowly in the park, it felt a little bit like that day on the motorbike: a lot slower and safer, but still the freedom, peace, and sun in a tank top.

I thought, “the sun feels like it is physically penetrating my neck and taking away the pain”, so I went with it: I imagined that it truly could. I concentrated on that warmth and willed it to fix me. I pretended it was a known procedure with proven results and I let the sun rays massage my muscle rotten spots (they feel like they must look like rotten spots on an apple) and decided that tomorrow I was going to start winning. I am exhausted, I have a crushing headache as per-usual, and I’m currently going through a fever phase, but, I swear, this illness won’t win. I won’t feel terrible tomorrow and it doesn’t get to make me depressed. I’ll be sad when I feel like crap, I’ll still undoubtedly have a roller coaster of emotions and my commitment will falter, but, I got this. The sun gave it to me.

I am grateful for the sun.
Little darling, it’s going to be a long cold lonely winter.

20120913-215022.jpg

by

Diet & Supplements Day 20… not much to report.

Not much to report. I’m just plugging away on the diet and supplement plan. I feel EXACTLY the same. Even healthy people feel better when they radically modify their diet and start taking vitamins, right? Am I the only one on the planet who doesn’t feel better on a gluten-free, dairy-free diet??

I finally got my Vitamin A, so I’ve started taking 10,000iu/day. I’m still relying on homemade granola and smoothies for breakfast, salads and boring veg for lunch and dinner. The most success I’ve had is eating salads at restaurants. Our co-op deli has fun salads that I couldn’t make at home without buying 20 different ingredients and then having WAY too much and having to eat it for days. I had a romaine salad in a restaurant the other day with beets, bacon (shh, don’t tell the doc), avocado, tomato, grilled chicken and a delicious salad dressing. I realise this means I should just try to cook at home ~ or, at least, chop up veg and make something interesting rather than just dumping greens from a bag into a bowl ~ but I’m just not up for it. Produce keeps dying in the fridge. And raw meat turns me off. I’m just not enthused. When my Dad was here, he cooked some lovely food that he made look easy. It just seems like such a chore when I’m so exhausted.

Anyway, my smoothie skills have improved. My go-to breakfast blend is: banana, berries, almond/coconut milk, ice, vanilla extract, maybe some agave syrup depending on my mood. Or add apple sauce, walnuts and cinnamon. Yum. I also have become addicted to apple slices with pecan butter ~ a good snack, just ask Moms. Seriously, I feel like a Mom trying to get a kid (myself) to enjoy eating well. I put pecan butter on a celery stick and dotted raisins all down it like ants on a log or whatever they were called… So, ludicrous! And, PS: they don’t taste very good. Kids are right.

Finally, Theo chocolate bars are 70% cocao and have none of my restricted ingredients.

Oh, and these are the Lara bars I keep talking about, which have fewer ingredients than any other bar I can find (for example: “cashews, dates”).

by

LDN Day 26… Kind of want to quit.

I don’t know what to do. It’s almost been a month on low-dose naltrexone. I don’t feel good. I don’t even feel better. I think it might be making me depressed, but it’s hard to tell because just the sheer length of this illness with no answers is enough to make anyone depressed. I have a headache EVERY SINGLE DAY. I wince when the dogs bark, when there’s a loud tv show, when my husband is putting dishes away… everything hurts my head. But that isn’t really out of the norm ~ just more than usual. Is the LDN causing the sleep disorder, depression and headache? How do I know? I kind of want to quit taking the birth control pill (the idea fills me with terror) and the LDN. Then… what? Go down the benzodiazepine and opiate rabbit hole? That scares me more than anything.

I’ve had 6 crappy hours sleep each of the last 3 nights. My muscles hurt so badly. My temperature is a roller coaster ~ 97.2 to 99.7 degrees and back again within an hour. I think I’ll get my thyroid levels checked today just in case, although, they are always fine. I’m meeting my old bosses today and I have no idea what I’m going to say. I guess I just want to know if I’d ever be welcome back in a different position if I kicked this… What if I can never work again? My god, I can barely think about it. Maybe what I should be doing is planning a new career that allows me to work from home. I can work when I can work. Laura Hillenbrand did it. Maybe I should just start writing a book and hope it makes money. Ha.

by

LDN Day 24… 9/11

Today was a good and bad day. Bad in that I feel like I am premenstrual even though I don’t get periods. I’ve been very emotional, everything is making me cry and I want to eat nothing but sugar. On the good side, I had lunch with friends, which was sorely needed — I was starting to feel like I was useless in this world. What’s my special purpose?!

I also went for a half hour walk in the cemetery with my first-born son (dog) and it was so peaceful and also sorely needed — every time I cry, even if it’s just a sniffle, he has to wrap his 110lb body around me and nose my face to try to protect me and cheer me up. He needed some calm Momma time.

Then I did three mini-meditations: one while I was using my physical therapy neck-stretcher thing, a traditional sitting meditation, and standing breathwork with stretches. Any stretching that doesn’t pull a muscle is an accomplishment.

The best part is that, after a long talkative lunch and a walk, I feel okay. I only got 6.5 fretful hours sleep last night and I haven’t had a nap today, so I am ecstatic that I’m not completely slurry and jellied on the couch or feeling fluish in bed. Hallelujah. I did just take a tylenol, so that could be helping. Maybe my muscles won’t be diseased tomorrow… Maybe I’ll be mobile and not in too much pain… Maybe.

I am going to take a melatonin tonight (which I didn’t last night). My doctor even confirmed via email that there was no problem taking both LDN and melatonin before bed.

Finally, I’m grateful for the good healthcare workers and emergency responders. Thank you to the dedicated, caring, patient, thorough, communicative, available, informed, and informative NDs, MDs, RNs, DDSs, PAs, PTs, MTs, LMFTs, RDs, and acupuncturists (whatever letters they have after their names!). Thank you to the EMTs and firefighters that have saved my life on the multiple occasions when we have dialed 911 or 999… And those, along with the police and average citizens, that saved–or tried to save–all the injured and dying people on this day 11 years ago.